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Let's face it.Most muzic videoz are cheezy.That's what makez 'em so much fun.You've got an artist trying to hammer
home a messege in three or four minutes,usually by going the route of two ways-1.The Concept Video,where the artist uses abstract
images & special effects(like dolphins swimming in the city streets or animated puppets playing with raw meat) or 2.The
Performance Video where they just slap the camera on the stage and let the band ham it up.
Course there is variartions to both,but basically it's all eye candy to sell you on the band and make ya
go out n' buy the cd's.Which isn't a bad thing,unless you really dig the song then you see the video and witness just how
ugly and/or dorky the band really is then ya can never hear the song without thinking of the video ever again.
But I'm just spoutin' common knowledge.
I used to record videos off of MTV,VH1,Night Flight n' all those muzic video showz like they were going
out of style.Funny thing,cuz most of them have gone out of style,but ya gotta love 'em.Especially the bad ones.A few automatically
spring to mind-remember the masterpiece of filmaking that Accepts' "Balls To The Walls"was?He he-that one cracks me up everytime
I see it.
Well,recently I dug out some of those old tapes and thought I'd reaquaint myself with those classic videos-cuz
let's face it,MTV don't play no music videos anymore.Now it's all soap operas,game showz n' guyz hanging upside down in port-o-potties.
After a few hourz o' watchin' the old tapes I stumpled upon a few baddies.Like one that had both Ozzy Osbourne
& Vince Niel guest starring in one by the band Autograph.Yuk,shiver-who thought those guyz could possibly be rock stars?Oh,and
how about this one-
Sheesh,That's Krokus.Perhaps one of the dorkiest bands ever.The singer reminds me of Herb Tarlik from "WKRP In Cincinatti".
But one video gets my vote as THE CHEESIEST ROCK VIDEO OFF ALL TIME.It's just so bad that it should never ever
resurface ever ever again.Course that's exactly what I'm doing,But that's what The Ragzter doez best-force crap on ya.
The crap I have served up for ya is so bad that it hurts too much to watch but ya just can't turn away from
it-
The Song:"I'll See The Light Tonight"
The Band:Yngwie Malmsteen
It's a Performance Video trying to be a Concept Video!!
| I COME TO ROCK YOU.... |
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| WITH MY MIGHTY SWORD!!! |
The video starts out with a guy dressed in Midieval armour twirling his big sword in front of spinning laser
lights.It's downright tellin' ya from the very start that "Watch Out!Get ready to Rock!!"
Then Master Geetarist Yngwie pops out of the laser rippin' out one of his million notes a second
geetar riffs,swingin' n' flingin' his arms,legs and hair about like he's trying to swat away the very notes that spew forth
from his axe!
| Let's Yngwie... |
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| All The Way!! |
The camera pulls back to reveal the elaborate stage the band is rockin' out on...WOW!Looks like the boyz
have rented the Conan The Barbarian stage at Universal Studios for the night!!Complete with more lasers n' fire breathing
automaton dragons!!
| Maybe for the next video... |
|
| they'll use the set from "Spider-man Rocks!" |
The singer,while belting out high pitched girly screams,looks uncomfortable and out of place in his black
leotard n' receeding hairline,but he does his best to keep up with the band.who makes good use of the stage by leaping and
bounding all over it(hell,I would too-that would be fun!!).The keyboardist,maybe suspecting that he's got the least "rockin"instrument
of the bunch makes up for it by GETTING DOWN ON HIS KNEES AND PLAYING THE KEYBOARD WITH ONE HAND!!!
| Must...hit...highest...note...EVER!!! |
|
| HEY!! |
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| Who stuck nose goblins under my keyboard? |
Then comez the part of the song where Yngwee let's fly his angry bee guitar solo,which awakens the big puppet
dragon and makes him spit flames at him!!Hope Yngkee didn't use too much hairspray that night!!
| Holy Godzooki Yngway!! |
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The song continues with the band doing much of the same til Ynkiway finally gets bored with it all and tosses
his guitar up into the flames.Song over!!
| "Burn you damn guitar!!!!.... |
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| Burn like you've never burned before!!!!" |
Wow!!Man,that video is so hot it makes ya sweat just watchin' it(or maybe it was the bag of V-v-v-v-v-e-e-e-e-r-r-r-r-y-y-y-y
Hot Barbeque Potato Chips I was munchin' on while watchin' it).You'll need a tall glass of water after seein' this classic!
The funniest thing about the video is knowing just how seriously the band was taking all this.Spinal Tap
couldn't have done it better.
So that's my vote for The Cheesiest Rock Video of all time.The only thing it's missin' is midgets.
And just so ya know,even my faves have made some pretty bad videos.KISS being quite guilty of that many times.I
mean,just take one gander at this-
| Mmmmmm......dreaming of..... |
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| Twinkies!! |
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