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Sunday, 16 October 2005
THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS
Oh boy.
I've been plannin' on writin' up a lil' review of kickin'new cd'z by Avenged Sevenfold or L.A.Guns,but what do I find myself doing on this misty Sunday night?
Watching what may be considered the most god aweful childrens movie ever.
Yeah,it's one of thoze old "classics"that I,for some reason or another,found a hankerin' to see since it's release in the 80's,but not enuff to actually see it.
Tonight,the horrible dream came true.
No wonder this thing has been out of print for 15 odd yearz,cuz,well,I'm sure the movie studio waz pretty embarassed by it all,but,in a surefire way to battle all the illegal downloaded bootlegz of this morbid curiousity that's popped up over the yearz,MGM opened the long sealed can and released it on dvd a few months ago.
Everyone loved the cards.Hell,they were fun!They were gross!They were despized by parents and religious groups,yet the movie doezn't succeed on any level of lowbrow humor,or capturing any of the cards quirky artwork and zany characters,it's just,well pardon my lack of creative description here,stupid.
The creepy Garbage Pail Kids,the foam rubber wearing midgets that they be,spew snot,vomit,fart,piss,get drunk,drive drunk,eat toes,steal hotdogs,pull switchblades,pull of womens clothes,rape little children...ok,I lied about the last part,but they may as well,cuz when the movie iz over ya feel like ya just left a Marilyn Manson concert-dirty and violated.Just the kinda flick ya want yer already hyperactive disrespectful shithead kids watchin'.It triez to ooze out some bubbles of sentiment and moral about being different and ugly and belonging,but ya get the feeling that waz just squeezed into the plot to give Anthony Newly some reason other than a paycheck to make an appearance in this mess.What a grand career move this waz for him!
He's even reduced to playing some Satanic piano piece backwardz to save us all from the googly gang of miscreants,which only leads to his final moments in the film stuffing his lumpy ass into a garbage can.So long any future musical theater for you Mr.Newly!And ferchrissakes-shave those eyebrows!
Anywayz,
After all the shenanigans are done,after the eyeball burning parade of 80's fashions have ended(which reminded me that in the 80's-we could wear ANYTHING and get away with it),after the queereyeforthestraightguy bad guyz who aren't really all that threatening have been defeated,after the slop and doll urine has been mopped up, and the moral of the story has been completely lost to us,we're left to share the same nasty taste in our mouths that the 14 year old main character tastes-Utter disgust,dissapointment and apathy.
And I'm sure he decided to become gay too.
Wanna give yer kids nightmares and bad habits.
Make 'em watch this movie.
If ya wanna get them somethin' to motivate and inspire them?
Get 'em the new L.A.Guns cd.
Ragz Rates It A:3.0
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 11:36 PM PDT
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