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Monday, 18 October 2004
TEAM AMERICA:WORLD POLICE
Mood:
 happy
Parker & Stone have done it again!They amaze me on how they make perfect sense using complete nonsense-they did it with the South Park movie and they've done it again with Team America.This time they've used marionettes instead of construction paper to create hilariously memorable characters.They skewer everyone,from the Left to the Right and everyone inbetween,and they come out being the smart ones.The messeges in South Park are almost alwayz on the money and it'z here too.
The only thing that didn't really live it up for me waz some of the songs-tho funny-they aren't az clever az the ones in the South Park movie except for a country tune-"How Much Does Freedom Cost" & the maniacle dictator Kim Jong 11's song "I'm Ronery".
And I love comedy gagz that roll on longer than necessary,cuz I know it annoys people,so when one of the puppets pukes his guts out after a bender at the bar for about 3 minutes straight.I waz rolling.
Team America
FUCK YEAH!!
Ragz Rates It A:9.0
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 9:51 PM PDT
Tuesday, 5 October 2004
"EDGEPLAY"Soundtrack
Mood:
 party time!
The Runaways were over by the time I found out about them.They were never played on the radio were I waz a teenager.I never saw them on tv.And they were barely in the magazines.If it wazn't for good ol' Creem Magazine I wouldn't have most likely heard of The Runaways til after Joan Jett's & Lita Ford's success as solo artists.
Since then I've managed to pick up various records by them,got to know thier story pretty well and hoped that someday they could manage to get back together for a reunion tour.That would freekin' rawk!But,it soundz like that'll never happen,especially since Joan Jett haz refused to let the makers of a film about The Runaways-"Edgeplay"-use any of The Runaways actual music in the film.
So they do the next best thing-dig up old demos by Lita Ford,some live covers from The Runaways and they get perhaps the biggest influence on The Runaways-Suzi Quatro-to whip out a new toon.
And boy am I glad they did.Suzi Quatro's song "Back To The Drive",written by Mike Chapman,iz an instant Glam Rawk Classic!We're more than halfway into the year and I'm just gunna bet that "Back To The Drive"will be my pick for Song Of The Year.It's worth the price of the cd alone!Welcome Back,Suzi!!
The rest of the cd izn't bad either-We get the hear the girls onstage during a Japanese tour beltin' out a blistering cover of "Rock & Roll" and finally-remastered versions of "Cherry Bomb","Hollywood"& "School Days"!But the gem from The Runaways iz the song "Dead End Justice",where Joan & Cherie run from the law,only to be gunned down in classic bad girl style!
I can't wait to see the movie.If it's even half az good az this soundtrack,then it's gunna be great!
Long live the Queens Of Noise!
And Joan,c'mon....get the band back together!!
Ragz Rates It A:10.0
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 6:25 PM PDT
Saturday, 25 September 2004
ESCAPE FROM L.A.
Mood:
 cheeky
I know what it's like trying to get a stinkin' cigarette in L.A.I waz stuck without a pack and jonesin' for some tobacco really bad and during a fit it waz made worse when I had to walk around for over an hour to get one.
And that's all Snake Plisskin wanted in "Escape From L.A."Course I didn't have to go thru as much hell as Snake did to get one.
Everything that sucks about L.A. is covered in this movie-fake plastic people,drive by shootings,low riders,hell,even the so called Happiest Place On Earth makes a post apokalyptic appearance!
This sequel to "Escape From New York"is the ultimate in cheese.But ya know,tonight az I sat in front of the tube feeling the worn down affects of dealing with the mindless horde at work,it waz just what I needed.Stupid fun entertainment.The dialogue iz horrendous,the special effects are bad,and it's predictable,but Snake rocks!
And I want a pack of "American Spirit"cigarettes.Kinda funny seeing this "anti-American"film at this time,being that Snake must battle both the American government AND a terrorist.The messege is sappy-but all the more fitting.We're all a buncha baffoons.
Welcome to the human race.
Now I want a "Escape From Las Vegas!"
hint hint
Ragz Rates It A:6.50
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 11:39 PM PDT
Friday, 10 September 2004
The QUEEN Musical-WE WILL ROCK YOU
Mood:
 sad
I cringe everytime I see that "Mamma Mia"commercial on tv.I haven't seen the actual musical,but just by the commercial alone I can pretty much tell it's one big giant CringeFest.But people are suckers-especially people in thier 30's & 40's,cuz we'll buy anything if it makes us,even just for a few minutes, think the crap we were into 20 yearz ago may possibly still have some "coolness" value today.I'm realistic about it all,I KNOW the crap I'm into,has long lost it's relevency in todays Pop Culture,but I also know when something is sooo bad that it actually can be good.
I think,course after that said paragraph,I probably don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.Plus,for the most part I don't really like Abba anyways so who the hell do I think I am?
But I am a huge Queen fan,so here we go...
Brian May & Roger Taylor have found a new niche to squeeze what little juice iz still left out of Freddie Mercurys' corpse and created "We Will Rock You",a musical based on the music of Queen for all the middle aged rockers of yesteryear to get that "concert"experience without actually having to deal with some crappy up n' coming opening band and standing for two hours.Yep,we get all the Queen hits,played loudly,with flashy lights and awesome stage sets,but since Freddie's dead and since no one could possibly replace him(unlike The Doors who found the former Cult singer and decided to "get the band back together"),they get a guy that looks like my old buddy Roy to jump around with some other singer/dancers and put on a play like the ones you'd see in high school.
If it wasn't for the sooperdooper expensive lighting and stage effects,you'd swear it was a high school play cuz boy iz it crap.The story takes place in some sci-fi future where rock n'roll is banned,only to have it resurface when the hero of the story meets up with a gang o'outsiders who dress like I did in the 80's and they seek and search out some mythical guitar buried in a rock-y'know-that ol' sword in the stone bit.Wazn't this subject matter already covered by RUSH in "2112" and Styx in "Mr.Roboto"?Oh well,maybe the idea will work if Queen did it.
Nope.
To be fair,there iz a few good jokes here n' there and it's cool to see my old closet being raided and those clothes being worn again,but when it tries to get serious it just comes off az forced-like when one of the characters dies or when they play homage to fallen drug addicted losers(yeah,yeah-I'm talking Cobain,Hendrix & Morrison here-sorry,can't feel any great loss for artists who died cuz they shot too much heroin or whatever).I do miss Freddie big time tho,and I would've much rather seen a different celebration to his legacy than this tripe.I would have done something that didn't try to force thier cataloge into some Saturday Morning Cartoon type of story.How about a celebration of his talents by having different stories of those that were influenced by him?I see a much broader range of stories and emotions that could be covered than making Queen some type of prophets that buried thier super powers in Graceland to protect the rock n' roll God-Elvis Presley.
But the crowd ate it up anyways,nothing like seeing middle age fat people clapping along to "Radio Ga Ga" with that ol' glint in thier eye,bringin' 'em back to the day when they first smoked a cigarrete in thier high scholl buddy's van.Guess that's what it really iz all about-hell,I get the same way when I see old "Kolchack The Night Stalker"reruns on the sci-fi channel!
"We Will Rock You"now playing at The Paris Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas,is to us 30/40 somethinz what Barney The Purple Dinosaur iz to 3 to 4 year olds.
Gotta give Brian May & Roger Taylor credit for that,I guess.
Easy money baby!
...and this is Vegas for chrissakes!At least they coulda had that all girl,all naked bicycle race innit!
Ragz Rates It A:2.0
Ragz Rates It If They Had The All Girl,All Naked Bicycle Race In It A:8.0
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 12:10 AM PDT
Updated: Friday, 10 September 2004 12:25 AM PDT
Wednesday, 18 August 2004
TURKISH EXORCIST
Mood:
 smelly
When I waz a kid,one of the most frightening thingz that would acure on a mostly daily basis in 1974 waz those goddamn commercials on tv for the movie "The Exorcist".Cripes,I didn't even haveta see the whole movie to know that that waz one fuckin' scarey movie!'Course the rumours that flowed like green pee soup surrounding that movie then didn't help matters either.There were reports of people passing out,having heart attacks and eating outdated ju ju beez were rapant.
I didn't actually see the movie til' I got older and got up the nerve to watch it one sunny afternoon 'round 1982 or so.It spooked me pretty badly then too but for some odd reason I felt a need to watch the movie many times over since then and have aquired quite a love for the flick.Tho I slowly became desensitized to it all,I still feel it's the scariest damn movie ever(well,next to Leaonard Pt.6).
When they re-released the film with new footage a few yearz ago I had to see that too,picking out the new scenes n' images waz like a game of "where's waldo",course when the scene of Linda Blair skittlin' down the stairs like a crab flashed across the screen I once again had to sleep with the lights on.
Tho it freeked the living hell outa me,I still loved it and cherish The Exorcist az one of my fave moviez of all time.
So when I stumbled upon a video of "Turkish Exorcist"I jumped up and down in satanic glee knowing that my lil' demon movie experience hazn't ended yet(cuz we all know that the actual sequels nowhere near comes close to the chilling fear that the original film slapped us around with.).
Ok.Yeah,in all actuality I had no expectations of it being scarey or even remotely good,and my hunch waz correct,yet I still had to own this dreck,cuz if anything,it'll give ya whole lotta laughs.
The movie iz pretty much a scene by scene rip off,with a few tiny differences here n' there,like the possessd girl doesn't wack off on a cross but some type of knife that you'd see Conan The Barbarian wield or you don't get any of that whole subplot with the young girls' relationship(or lack of one)with her father,but that's just being nit picky.Somehow they did manage to capture the same smarmy sappy relationship between the girl and her mother(which makes me wince from the original movie),I guess giving you the case of The Wants.Ya know-I WANT THIS GIRL TO GET POSSESSED CUZ SHE'S JUST SO GODAWFUL SPOILED n' SMARMY.C'mon down,Saytan!!
Ya gets all the same stuff-her head spins around,wordz pop up on her yellow tinted stomach,she bounces up n' down on the bed,pukes,farts and talks like Gary Oldmen in "Bram Stoker's Dracula",and flingz furniture about.The best part iz when she's visited by a hypnotist who only manages to get his balls punched in.The look on his face iz worth the price of admission alone.An Oscar moment indeed!
It'z pretty much everything you'd want from a low budget foriegn rip off-constant overuse of "Tubular Bells",clunky special effects(such as a paint can shaker used on the young girls head during the medical testing scene),bad editing and Turkish Chant like singing to get the foot a tappin'!
Oh,and ya can't miss the action packed ending when the young priest punches the bejesus outta the little girl by placing YOU in the visual viewpoint of the girl!So it looks like HE'S PUNCHING SATAN OUTTA YOU!!
Oh Yeah!Great fodder for my upcoming Schlock-O-Vision show soon to be on the website for ya all to njoy.
So,Turkish Exorcist izn't scarey by any meanz.I guess,what's really scarey iz the fact that someone like me would actually ship out 20 bucks for trash such az this.
And hell,if you want Exorcist type scares I suggest ya see "Juon:The Grudge"anywayz.
That'll shit the scarez outta ya!
Til then,I'm awaitin' the Turkish "Dude,Where's My Car!"
Ragz Rates It A:5.0
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 12:10 AM PDT
Friday, 6 August 2004
ANTI FEST 2004
Mood:
 don't ask
I've got a brain bleedin' headache.Feelz like my eyez wanna crawl out thru my nostrilz and skitter across a cheese grater.
Course that all may be due to the fact that I've spent most of the day at Anti-Fest,an all day Horror punk/rock fest held at The Boston Bar & Grill here in Las Vegas.
Whatta disapointment that waz.Granted,being there for the first 8 hourz of the thing probably wazn't the best idea,that's when all the lamer bandz and the whole shebang just izn't happening for creaturez of the night.But by 8:30 at night I just couldn't take much more.Most of the time iz just sittin' around waiting for a band to come on.Frankly,it just getz boring.At first being entertained by the freekish humour of website host Malis The Great, iz all fun and gamez but even his Gwarlike with a hankerin' for cock schtick gets old after eatin' nothing but bar food,smokin' cigarettes and sittin' on uncomfortable bar stools for 8 hourz.
The few bandz that I did see AND that actually showed up were ok.Ecto 1 had some interesting death metal moments but I came here to see some horror rock and fo' thoze not in da know,THERE iz a difference.
An hour or so after that we were blessed by the prescence of another punk band called Day Of The Sick which proceeded in making everybody in the crowd uncomfortable,not so much by the angry punk all muzik,but cuz the singer,urged on by Malis The Great,took off all his clothes and danced around the bar drenched in fake blood and wigglin' hiz weenie to the beat of the band.That didn't so much bother me az did hiz horrible haircut that made him look like a naked man with cancer dancing around,which iz not what I payed the overpriced entry fee for.I waited all day 'round for thiz?Sure,ya can't get any more punk rock than that,but I waz expecting bad Halloween costumez and cheesy monster surf/garage rawk.After the show the singer,still drenched in blood but thankfully now wearing pants,did give me a sticker.
So by 8:30 and me being old and tired just got grumpy.It looked like it would be another two or three hourz before any sort of a crowd would arrive and for the bandz I really wanted to see to show up(Sin City Ghouls & The Necrotons)and I just couldn't take the waitin' anymore.I went home,took a few aspirins and stuck "The Werewolf Of Washington"in the dvd player(hey,at least there'z a midget in it!).
I can't blame Sin,the man behind Antifest,he looked like he wazn't enjoying it all that much either with bandz not showing up and the almost total lack of an audience too,but maybe it would be a better idea to not make it an all day thing,instead mayhaps just a night of it,with 3 or 4 top notch bandz,a few vendors from other sources like comic book storez or people that sell horror related items.And actually promote the darn thing so other glitterkatz n' ghouliedawgz out there would have an idea it waz actually going on.
Whatta bummer.I waz looking forward to this show.
Oh well,I did get some good newz today-The Cramps are coming to Vegas 'round Halloweenie time!
Guess there'z no such thing az Halloween in August afterall.
Except at The Ragzpad.Mmmmm....home sweet home.
Ragz Rates It A;4.75
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 10:30 PM PDT
Updated: Friday, 6 August 2004 10:43 PM PDT
Sunday, 1 August 2004
OUT FOR BLOOD(Sci-Fi Channel movie)& 30 DAYS OF NIGHT
Mood:
 irritated
Why do people insist on still making vampire moviez?It'z been done to death(no pun intended).Nobody doez anything new with it,and when they try to,they alwayz try to update them,making the vampires immune to sunlight,garlic,wooden stakes n' crosses.makin' them all into pretty faggy boyz or seductive temptresses.Real vampirez they ain't by gum!!
Well,the Sci-Fi Channel,when not making moviez based on half man,half shark creatures conjured up by Peter Benchley or whoever wrote that damn Jaws movie,has slapped yet another new bloodsuckin' made for tv shlop called "Out For Blood" on my boob tube.Sheesh,nuthin',and I mean nuthin' iz original about this crap.I can't believe Lance Henrickson haz even wasted his time with this poop.He waz in a much better vampire flicky back in the 80's called "Near Dark" or "Near Dawn" or "Near Mid Afternoon"or something and that movie kicked but,well except for the horrid ending that cured vampirism thru blood transfusion(which annoyed the hell out of me by making vampirism a lame ass biological thing instead of supernatural)."Out For Blood"haz nuthin' goin' for it.
Yet,when I think ya can't do anything new or interesting with the vampire stuff,leave it to the only truely original artform left out there to conjure up new nightmarez.Comic Books.
Steve Niles & Ben Templesmith created "30 Days Of Night".Vampires roam freely in Alaska cuz,well,it's nighttime for like a whole month there,so it'z a perfect place for the bloodsuckers to go on vacation and live it up.It's funny,creepy and fresh,yet just traditional enough to satisfy vampire loverz of all kindz.It'z bloody good fun(bad pun intended).There'z been a sequel published called "Dark Days"which I've yet to read and I believe I've heard there'z gunna be a movie too.
Tv movie sux,sink yer teeth into a funny book.
Ragz Rates "Out For Blood"-0
Ragz Rates "30 Days Of Night"-7.80
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 12:47 AM PDT
Wednesday, 28 July 2004
DOOM HOUSE
Mood:
 silly
I've been a fan of the website www.somethingawful.com for quite a while now but it waz a buddy of mine that introduced me to a little movie called "Doom House" that waz made by a coupla guyz from that website.
That same guy iz also responsible for me becoming addicted to cigarettes.Both will be bad for you're health,but they're both alot of fun regardless.
"Doom House"iz basically a home movie about a high strung guy who buyz a new house only to be haunted by a small figurine that keeps popping up,no matter how the guy triez to be rid of it.There's a much better review of it on the Something Awful website,and it's also there where you lucky bastardz get to download it in it's all glorifying full length-heck-go here-http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1665
and turn out the lights,pop some popcorn and lsd and just see for yourself all the madness.
It's a hoot-the bad acting,the bad editing,the bad continuity-everything that makez a good movie.
Damn,how I wish we had the internet and all the computer movie making toolz at our desposal in the early 80's when that self same friend that got me hooked on coffin nails and I were in a small yet creative lil' comedy troupe called Belco.
"Doom House"would've been the kinda crap we woulda made.
Except one of us would've been dressed az a chick.
Ragz Rates It A:8.25
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 12:24 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 28 July 2004 12:25 AM PDT
Wednesday, 16 June 2004
GENE SIMMONS-"ASSHOLE"
Mood:
 d'oh
 So,it's finally here.After 26 some yearz,Gene Simmons haz gotten around to creatin' some new musik.Haz it been worth the wait?Are KISS fanz(like me ya'll know)finally gettin' some new rawk n' rawl anthemz to bludgeon our hip hop neighbors and teeny bop nieces with?Has that Yosimite Sam voice of the God Of Thunder been pummeled thru our beat-up stereo speakerz again?
More than likely,and this iz coming from a General in The KISS Army,you'll be shaking your head and wondering why he feelz the need to do stuff like this.When,oh when,will The Bat Lizard learn that all we want iz for him to do the only thing he iz good at-being the blood drooling,fire breathing,Godzilla boot wearin' bass player for KISS.Tho we are all suckered into it(us KISS fanatics that iz),we really don't need the KISS condoms,Tongue Magazine,Velvet Ragnar movie rolls and KISS coffins.We just want Gene to slap on the bat wingz,stick out hiz tongue and scream that almighty scream from his finest moment "Deuce".Sebastian Bach,on a recent VH1 show said it best,"we've gotten all the comics,action figures,coffins,cars n' everything else,but what KISS fans really want IS A NEW KISS ALBUM!".Very true.
Guess Chaim wantz to spread his leather wingz a bit and try something different.Fine,should be interesting.Let's see what he's got.
First off,the cover.Genie lookz cool,I gotta admit,dressed all dapper like a member of The Hives,surrounded by a gaggle of hot women.It's what ya'd expect.Like the album title too.The word "Asshole"has become the male version of impowerment to the female "Bitch".
But,the logo lookz like some hip hop thing,and if you've been unfortunate enuff to see the video for Gene's cover of The Prodigys' "Firestarter",his obvious pandering to the bling bling worshipers iz just embarrasing.The song is basically a karaoke version,not much different than the original 'cept Simmons iz singin' it.And I can't tell if Gene in the video wants to be David Lee Roth or Zsa Zsa Gabor or Huggy Bear.Ugh.
The title track "Asshole"iz also pretty dang stinky.The lyrics,something like "you think I'm a creep/you look like a sheep"just really hurt.It hurt bad.
And there's alot of sap on this record too.KISS fans know that Gene iz a huge Beatles fan,and like his first solo album,alot of that comez thru,which really izn't a bad thing,but what the heck waz he thinking doing some kinda Hawaiian flavored type plinka plinka casio Jimmy Buffet type song to close the cd with?God,Gene,you're the master of making people want more,so what happened?After all these yearz this iz the best ya got?"1,000 Dreams"shoulda stayed on the shelf.David Lee Roth can pull it off cuz he's a California beach bum,but not the DEMON from New York!
But it'z not all hopeless,there iz actually a few killer rockers here."Sweet & Dirty Love","Weapons Of Mass Destruction","Dog"and "Carnival Of Souls"are what ya want from Simmons.Heavy thumpin' bass lines(that do sound freekin' great!),real drums and guitarz,ya wish he'd write stuff like this for KISS!And,"Waiting For The Morning Light",co-written with Bob Dylan,iz kinda neat,tho it soundz quite alot like "We Are One"from KISS' "Psycho Circus",but I loved that song so I it's almost an extention of it.
"Black Tongue",which has samples and waz co-written by Frank Zappa iz alright too.But do these songz save "Asshole?".
Just barely.But I'm warning you-only must have die hard KISS fanz need to buy it,cuz everyone else will just cringe up in the fetal position and scream for him to make it stop.
Still got the Paul Stanley solo album to look forward to,where I hear he's writting with Diane Warren and the likes,but ya kinda expect that from Paul.
How much ya wanna bet it blowz this cd out of the racks and into the bargain bins?
Now,Gene,quit all that other crap,pick up that bass and fucking kick my ass and write some new KISS songs.
Leave the bling bling at home.
Ragz Rates It A:5.75
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 11:54 PM PDT
Tuesday, 25 May 2004
SWITCHBLADE SYMPHONY-
Mood:
 caffeinated
In the same way that Goths look at the Hot Topic stores iz the same way I percieve Goth.They're embarrased to say that they actually LIKE the store.And,for me,I confess,I LIKE Goth music.Most likely for me tho,iz cuz everybody dresses like it's Halloween all year long and they worship the same idols az I-Bela Lugosi,Boris Karloff,Tim Burton & Vincent Price.
Swicthblade Sisters,a band consisting of two gothed out chickies warbling like tortured witches iz one of the big bands in the Goth scene.Kinda like what Rush iz to classic rock.Everybody has a record by them but they don't necissarily like 'em.
I don't despize them,in fact I kinda dig thier toonz,even tho they all use the same drum beat and the same vocal patterns on every synthesized Wiccan inspired ditty.Most of the time,I gather,one of the two spooky girls takes the lead singer position,but my fave iz when they both sing together,cuz they then sound like those tiny twins in the Godzilla moviez that sings "Moth-O-Rah!"to awaken tha giant moth from slumber.
And speaking of Godzilla,I truly believe Blue Oyster Cult iz THEE Original Gothic Band.They alwayz sang about nosferatus,Joan Crawford and death.I think it's high time the kidz realize this.BOC!!Yeah!And they even wrote a song about Godzilla!So,I guess BOC would be The Godzilla Of Goth and Switchblade Symphony would be the Mothra of Goth!Yep-I figured it all out for ya.
But back to the cd.It's a "live"one,course it sounds like they're playing for about 10 teenage girls with dreams of thier first lesbian kiss and they're all excited cuz after the show they get to pick out what they're gonna wear to the midnight Pagan Ritual behind Grandma's house in the woods.
But the band sounds good,it's pretty easy stuff.Turn on the drum machine,get a guy to blow The Munsters Theme on the sax and do that wierd Stevie Nicks dance in front of a strobe light and ya gots a gothic dance party.Course the moody gothiness iz all ruined when the Switchblade Sisters chirp "thank you" like Betty Boops hopped up on helium in between the songs.Ugh.Way too cutesy n'sugery for me.And here I spent hourz drawing a bloody pentagram on my rug,lit all my black candles and dug out The H.R.Giger Necronomicon for nuthin'.
Now where did I put my copy of "Cultasaurus Erectus?".
Ragz Rates It A:5.69
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 9:24 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 25 May 2004 9:27 PM PDT
Wednesday, 12 May 2004
VAN HELSING
Mood:
happy
 Just got back from seeing "Van Helsing".I know alot of people are gonna hate this movie,and I waz a little skeptical at first-messing with all my Universal Horror Iconz,but really it payz alot of homage to the classics.Sure,there'z a bazillion CGI monsterz running,flying and scurrying about,but it'z alot of fun.And I love the three Dracula brides,they're sexy wicked!
The dialogue iz way over the top,az iz the accents,but in grand Universal Horror style.It's almost az if Colin Clive,Bela Lugosi & Dwight Frye trained the actors themselves on how to do it right.Kate Beckinsale iz back az an ass kicking vampire killer,basically playing the same role az she did in "Underworld",but I have no complainz about that.Hugh Jackman might az well be in his X-Men leatherz,cuz it's the same character-doesn't remember his past,scans the area for baddies with his senses and even unleashes some clawz of his own when he turnz into a were-wolverine.
It'z a comic book movie all the way-unbelievable action,over the top stunts and cool costumes make it a feast for the eyez.
And any movie that reprises the classic line from "The Wolfman"-"Even a man who is pure at heart and says his prayers by night,may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon shines bright" getz a thumbz up.
Pinhead,Freddie,Jason and all the later day horror icons still have nothing on the unholy trinity that iz The Frankenstein Monster,Dracula & The Wolfman.
I can see it now-"Van Helsing 2"-where he takes on The Invisible Man,The Creature From The Black Lagoon and the mole people from "The Time Machine".
Reserve me a ticket!
Oh,and I really dig The Frankenstein Monsters glowing electrical brain!
Ragz Rates It A:7.0
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 10:25 PM PDT
Wednesday, 21 April 2004
FASTER PUSSYCAT "GREATEST HITS"
Mood:
cheeky
Ya can't go wrong with this!Rhino Entertainment haz put out a whole series of inexpensive cd collections called "Flashbacks",which include cd's by Tisted Sister,Devo,Dokken and more,but of course,the neatest iz this collection of cat scratch feverish glam rawk iz the most vicious and sleazy!Oh yeah!All thier best iz here,including out of print classics such az "Nonstop To Nowhere"and thier infamous cover of Carly Simon's "You're So Vain".They also include my fave,the ode to whips,chains and black vinyl s&m gear-"Where There's A Whip There's A Way".Of course there's alwayz something that'z gotta spoil the party-such az the censored lyrics of "Cathouse"but for six bux who'z gonna bitch?
It's a great idea for a series of discs,something to draw & corrupt the younginz,refresh the mindz of the oldies,and perhaps,just perhaps,inspire the masses to demand a proper album from The Pussycat.
Taime?Brent?Guyz?
I need some new pussy!!
Ragz Rates It A:9.0
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 9:40 PM PDT
L.A. GUNS @TAILSPIN 4/17/04
Mood:
caffeinated
It waz a packed house at Tailspin,a small bar in Las Vegas,filled wall to wall with longhairz & Kelly Bundys.A trip back to a better time when hair waz big and pants were tight,an morals were loose.Course all of us are in our late 30's & 40's now,but scattered amongts the crowd were twenty-somethingz,there to get a glimps of one of the 80's sleaziest bandz-L.A.Guns.
After a rousing opening set by Las Vegas band-The Underground Rebels(formerly known az Jet,Taste,The Limey Bar Stewards & The Loving Dead)the crowd waz growing impatient waiting for the Guns to rip and tear us apart.Amongst the crowd waz Jizzy Pearl(Love/Hate,Ratt,Suki Jones etc.etc.etc)And motormouth Kevin Dubrow of Quiet Riot,making thier precence known,hoping to grab a little of the cock rock girlies in the mass of hair & leather jackets.
The Guns finally hit the small stage in a flury of noise,treating us with thier classics,layin' down some groovy covers and slammin' us with the more recent toonz.Phil Lewis still haz that cool voice,and tho the Las Vegas crowdz are alwayz kinda reserved and laid back,he did his best to to rile up the gang.The only other original member of the band waz drummer Steve Riley,who kept those nifty signiture LA Guns beats goin',while new guitarist Stacey Blades(he he-get it?)did a find job filling Tracii Guns leather boots.
Soon,they'll have a new album out of covers,which they played alot of and which sound really good and still stamped with that unique sound.Looking forward to it.
I alwayz like these Hollywood Vampires,one of the few that stood out for me,with thier sleazy black leather motive and jet black hair.
But without Tracii-thier namesake-shouldn't they now be called L.A.Blades?
Tracii will be back,how much ya wanna bet,az soon az Nikki steps back into Motley Crue and out of The Brides Of Destruction.
With L.A.Guns,itz,oh baby-never enough!!
Ragz Rates It A:7.25
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 9:17 PM PDT
Thursday, 15 April 2004
WILD ZERO
Mood:
 loud
Now Playing: "You must believe in rock and roll!"
If any band in the world could save rock & roll it's Guitar Wolf.They are the loudest,coolest and baddest band of muthas in the world.In "Wild Zero",Guitar Wolf proves it.
They battle Zombies,Aliens,Evil club owners and non-believers without even breaking a sweat.
"Wild Zero",a Japanese rock n' roll action packed monster of a b-movie iz everything you'd ever want or need in a movie.It's funny,gory,rockin' and just plain inspiring.Yes kiddies,there still is real rock n' roll out there!
There's very little plot here.A young rocker kid by the name of Ace,worships Guitar Wolf(the band),falls in love with a pretty girl,gets attacked by zombies and is taught that all you really need is to believe in rock and roll to survive.
Mix "Return Of The Living Dead" with "Mars Attacks",toss in a little leather n' black sunglasses,turn the volume way up and you get "Wild Zero".
This movie needz to be shown to about 95% of the new bands out there so they know just how much they suck.Korn,Nickelback,Limp Bizkit,you name 'em,would hang up thier guitarz in a second cause they don't even come close to this band and how hard they rock.
Plus,Guitar Wolf,the guitarist,has the coolest guitar/samuari sword in the world.
This rocked my lame ass big time!
Ragz Rates It A;10.00
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 11:33 PM PDT
Thursday, 8 April 2004
SHAKIRA:LIVE OFF THE RECORD
Mood:
cheeky
She plays the guitar!
She showz animal snuff filmz!
She talks politics!
She playz the drums!
She's Shakira!Live!On a dvd!
Her music iz all over the place-from dancey Middle Eastern inspired numbers,to rock,to techno-diva,and of course-passionate Latin cha cha cha,the modern day Charo doez it all.The music's ok,tho her version of AC/DC's "Back In Black"iz pretty dreadful & weak,and she really doesn't have a very powerful voice but when it comez down to it that's not why I'm watching this dvd.
It's those hips man!
She's a glorified bellydancer.
And I ain't complainin' none!
Plus,ya just know that Shakira iz dying to really rock out.
If she woulda came out in the 80's she would've gave Lee Aaron a run for the Metal Queen title.
Someone please,let her do the rock,teach her how to scream then she would be perfect!
Az long as she doesn't get political,Yeesh.
Keep her off the drumz too.
And just show close up of "those Hips!"on the big screens instead of scenes from "Make Them Die Slowly"and she could rule the world.
Bow to the new Metal Queen!
Ragz Rates It A:5 for music,10 for the bellydancing!
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 2:39 AM PDT
BATMAN:DEAD END!
Mood:
 special
I didn't know this thing existed til I went to the Wizard World Convention in L.A. a few weeks ago.It waz runnin' on every dealers' tv's.It caught my eye and I asked what it waz.One of the dealers said it waz a short film made by some guy who waz trying to pitch it to a major film company and they turned him down.
So,it'z slapped on various websites and becomez a fanboyz dream come true.
What we have here,to make it brief,cuz the film iz only about 8 minutes long,iz an action packed fight fest with perhaps THE best visualization of Batman ever.He's stocky,grim and wearin' the old grey & blue tights.No rubber nipples here.
First he takes on a wildy insane Joker,then gets jumped by one of those black slimey Xenomorphs' from the Alien series,only to end up coming face to reggae face himself-The Predator.
It all endz up just makin' you wanting more.It looks incredible!
Someone give this guy a movie!
Granted,we really have no idea if he can handle a plot,but he definatly captured Bruce Wayne's gritty alter ego perfectly.
Get your handz on this.Before Hollywood gets ahold of it and puts the nipples back in.
Ragz Rates It A:8.75
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 2:18 AM PDT
Monday, 5 April 2004
THE LIVING END/JET & THE VINES @ HARD ROCK,LAS VEGAS
Mood:
cheeky
Why iz it that everytime I go to a show I'm dead tired?Seemz like I never get enuff sleep the night before,so goin' to a show iz kind of a big deal for me,and unless the bands are really good and wake me up I spend most of the show waiting for it to end.
Well,last nights' show at The Joint in the Hard Rock hotel waz another challenge for me to make it thru.I waz pooped,got out of work,lost an hour of sleep due to the daylight savingz time demon,and my dogz were tired.
I pretty much missed the opening act Neon.From what I did see it looked like one of those droning noise maker type bandz.You know the ones that don't bother to even try to make music with any pop sense-ability.Hold on to that one note and just let it ring kinda bandz.
After downing a tasty beer and mingling about The Living End hit the stage.From the moment they charged into thier rock-a-punk-o-billie jo armstrong laden toonage they owned the stage.The guitarist,sportin' one of those hollow body Ted Nugenty geeetarz ripped the frets like nobody's business.Like The Stray Cats genespliced with Social Distorton.They impressed me much,not really knowin' much about them they gave me a much needed surprise and an energy boost.Thumbz Up!
Another beer down and startin' to feel the effects,Jet sauntered onstage with that "bitch" song,but it took them three or four songz to finally get the crowd goin'.Somehow,the band I came to see and expected them to garage rock my ass off just couldn't follow up The Living End."Are You Gonna Be My Girl" upped the ante and almost made it,with it's groovy beat and audience singalong,but it all else became a jumbled mess and lost it's momentum,tho Jet tried hard they just couldn't take off.
By this point I waz done with the beer and just downing a straight coke.The tiredness waz kicking in again and when The Vines finally came out with thier blinding lights burning into my bloodshot eyes,I waz done.Tho interesting for about 5 minutes,the Vines get boring really fast with it's wailing off key vocals and sloppy guitar work.The band looked like they were lost trying to keep up with the singers contrived "I'm crazy and look at my craziness"yelpfest.Sure,I give props to any band that trashes thier instruments by the end of the show but even I want something I can hum along too inbetween the feedback and cymbal crashes.Not very impressed.I think the singer iz on The Dope.
Winner of the evening:The Living End!
Ragz Rates The Living End:8.0
Ragz Rates Jet:6.5
Ragz Rates The Vines:3.0
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 9:03 PM PDT
Thursday, 1 April 2004
DAWN OF THE DEAD(2004)
Mood:
smelly
Every website n' horror mag n' critic haz already feasted(iz that a real word?)on this movie.So anything I have to say iz probably redundant.
But I still gots ta put my two centz in.
First off-enuff with the remakez fer christ's sake,there'z tonz o writerz out there with great ideas that Hollyood just won't take a chance on.
But...if they HAVE to do a remake,better to follow this movie az an example on how to do it right.Better to rip off the masters I guess.It's the same approach I took when listening to alot of 80's metal.Better that Bulletboys were ripping off classic Van Halen than Jackson Browne.
But I'm roaming way off track...sorry.
This iz how I look at it...
When going into the theater to see "a re-imagining"of a classic film,think of it az an event that iz happening sometime around the same time/and or place az the original.Fer example,when Tim Burton tackled "Planet Of The Apes"I percieved it az the planet being the same planet that Charlton Heston landed on,but in a different part of the planet-say Washington instead of New York,and mayhaps at a different time period too just to play it safe.That way it's not directly a sequel,but another story that takes place.Make sense?
So that's what I did with the new "Dawn Of The Dead."Yeah,I know,it doesn't take place in the early 80's,but let's face it,there'z a million stories that can be told about various people around the world and how they dealt with the dead rising.
Better yet,pretend it's the American point of view when "28 Days Later"happened,cuz it actually haz more in common with that flick than the original George Romero classic.
Cuz theze zombies ARE VICIOUS!!
They may still be dumb az a rock but boy can they move!I wouldn't last a second in this movie,with my nicotine encased lungz I'd be past out long before a dead thing started chompin' on my neck!
It's pretty darn impressive.And any movie that starts with Johnny Cash's "When The Man Comes Around' and endz with Jim Carroll's "All The People Who Died" haz got to be good!
In fact the first 10 minutes of this movie rocks harder than any American horror film haz since az long az I can remember.It's what I wanted "Independance Day"to be before it turned into a military recruitment film.
And it doesn't skimp on the blood n' guts and just plain discustingness either.No wimpin' out here!
Horror fanz are screaming nothing but praize for this movie,and deservidly so.It'z a zombie fun fest to the extreme.
I just wondered why the survivors in the movie didn't try using the internet to communicate with the outside world.
Hmmmm....maybe it did take place in the early 80's...
yep-
we've got a twitcher here!
Ragz Ratez It A:9.5
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 2:30 AM PST
Monday, 8 March 2004
VH1CLASSICS:METAL MANIA
Mood:
party time!
I can't go without posting praise to VH1 for bringing back the 80's Rawk in all it's flash n' grand cheesiness!
"Metal Mania",the bastard child of "Headbangers Ball",flickerz across the screen all those great big haired,leather spiked n' spandexed,eyeliner n' Aqua Netted heroez of yesteryear.Oh yeah!When rockstars had fun being rockstars and didn't give a shit about saving the rainforests or such nonsense.Nope,it waz all about the most wasted ya could get and the most tail tail ya could get.
What really rulez about "Metal Mania"isz that it'z so much more than Motley Crues "Girls Girls Girls"or Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It".They've dug deep into the hallowed underground of Flash Metal.Oh yeah,it's not rare to see Vains' "Who's Watchin' You" or,my ultimate fave-EZO's "Flashback Heart Attack"!I've even seen videos I didn't even know existed by such groups az Rock City Angels & The Sea Hags!!
Someone haz dug into my closet of old videotapes and broadcasted it on the boob toob.
And there's no shortage of boobs in theze vidz.
See the people responsible for creating the hole in the ozone layer,turn it up and get it on!!
Schlock N'Roll iz back baby!!
Ragz Rates It A:10
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 10:51 PM PST
Tuesday, 24 February 2004
HORRORPOPS "HELL YEAH"
Man,the cover has a girl all gothed out with an awesome stand up bass.I recon it's gotta be good,had to snap it up mighty quickly!ohhh,can't wait to hear it,I JUST KNOW IT"S GONNA ROCK!
Well,ROCK may be the wrong word for it.
POP,fits it it more like it,POP in that polished up contrived mixture that's sure to appeal to tha girls.
Imagine if No Doubt was influenced by polished rockabilly instead of ska and they had a passing fascination with cheapee b-movie moviez,and you gets Horrorpops.(Sounds like a sweet breakfast cereal ala Freekies!).
Tha stand up bass DOES sound cool,the toonz are catchy,but with titles like "Girl In A Cage" &Psychobitches Outta Hell" I reckon there's be SOME rawness,some good ol' giant gila monster fuzz n' badoomp ba doomp.But,nope,POPS is correct I guess,BUT WHERE'S THE HORROR?Where's the nasty 50 Foot Woman vocals,the kinda stuff ya buy all those Something Wierd vidoes for?
Well,it ain't here daddio.
Not that it's all bad,but with a name like Horrorpops I waz expectin' some ghoulishness to go with the sideburns and ducktails.
Oh well,
hey!Wattevva happened to Monster Zero anywayz?
Ragz Rates It A:5.0
Posted by ragzdandelion
at 3:13 AM PST
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